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They say turning thirty will feel like just another day. For others, I can only assume that must be true from how many times I’ve heard it. But for me, that has not been the case. The morning of my 30th birthday came and it didn’t feel like another day.
It felt cold.
It felt foreign.
I looked outside at the storm raging outside the window. Rain was coming down so hard it was almost going sideways. The wind had picked up to the point of sending tree branches crashing into the side of the house. How symbolic…I have felt the increasing weight of adult problems to the point I feel beaten by it. The morning I turned thirty years old only seemed to intensify the fact. I spent it crying.
While I know it’s simply a societal construct that by thirty, one should have their “act together”; to be making good money at your chosen career, married with a family, own a house, all while making it look Pinterest-worthy. Those milestones still plague at my mind. I expected myself to be much farther along than I am. But I greet 30 worse for wear. The usual cycle of work problems, not having my own place, not married, still not making above the poverty line, not succeeding with my personal geek fashion business, and the physical signs of aging mixed with post-accident injuries make for a poor start to my 30s.
A troubled heart has a way of telling the mind convincing lies. A broken brain believes them, but it doesn’t necessarily make them true.
While I used to not have to put much effort into being positive, after the deterioration from the accident, it’s much harder for me to see the silver lining. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I’ve had to learn that both realities of depression and happiness exist, even at the same time. You have to learn that while feelings are valid, they are not always reality.
I may not be employed right now, but The Gifted: Season 2 starts soon and I have guaranteed employment among a beloved cast and crew.
I may not be employed right now, but I can spend my free time blessing others when there’s no one there to take them to the emergency room or for a cup of tea after a horrid breakup.
I may not have my dream career right now, but I have achieved my dream careers of years past – storyboard artist and film costumer. I DID achieve those dreams. They had their season and it’s on to new dreams.
I may not have my own home, but I have my own room larger than some people’s apartments that’s been recently renovated to my desires by my loving roommates (who are some of my closest friends).
I may not be married, but I just celebrated a year anniversary with a wonderful boyfriend who is as genuine in his love as is humanly possible.
I may not be married, but I dodged a bullet of terrible ex and am in a much better, healthier relationship with a man that my friends and family love.
I may not be making above the poverty line, but that tax return was big enough that I was able to pay off some bills and buy new furniture when I couldn’t afford it otherwise.
I may not have a successful geek fashion blog, but I still get messages every week of how my posts inspire you and help you style creatively in art, fashion, and home.
I may be seeing signs of aging that I don’t like, but others still think I’ve barely graduated highschool. (Thank you Mom for the fountain-of-youth genes!)
I may not have the success one expects with a 30 year old, but there’s still hope.
Test shoot with DEW Photography (we were originally going for a casual black and white shoot, but a storm rolled in and we had to get artsy-fartsy with it. Who knew how appropriate it would actually be…)